What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 15:25
Why did i forgive my father ?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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Who then, do I blame.?
I couldn’t, believe it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
How do I come out as queer to my best friend in a funny and stupid way?
(And it was in our own minds.)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I think the readers, may guess!
Has anyone ever participated in a gang bang and what was it like?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And i lived it daily.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Would you let your partner cheat on you every now and again?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She wouldn,t have been !
Why do many women wear sleeveless shirts, more so than men?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Do other British people agree that the UK should reconquer Ireland?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But it wasn’t much.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She married twice! .
So whats the point in blame.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
What is the central theme of the entire Bible in one word (if possible)?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
What do feminists mean when they say they want to ‘normalize’ menstruation and its discussion?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My life is so biszare .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Comes on , in middle age.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
All the time i was locked up.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im still living with it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But, we were locked up after school.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I waited trembling.
My family never makes their pension either.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She found it foreign!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So, i spoilt her more .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was seconnd youngest,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One cannot live in the past .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I said to her
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Ive learnt so much.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
When she asked me how she looked .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was 9 years of age.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I write beautiful poetry .
I will be 64.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She loved him until the end.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was in good health!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Would this be the day?
I could never make a relationship work though!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It was going to be , some day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We were not on the streets..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He knew the spot.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was scared of men, in general
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I don,t even have a pension.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was very sick at this time too.
This is soul school!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I have no regrets .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
What did i know ?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Put me off passion for life!!
We all went to grammer schools